Can I be more clear when I say..The next person who whimpers sympathetic shit…I’d rather you go get……… …………..OH Just Bite me!

largeHola! I realise this blog is floating like bubbles off a waterfall. Weird analogy? Not really if you are a ; (OMG I WILL SAY IT; as much as I hate to use this word.. A SURVIVOR .. there I said it.. didn’t hurt much but my pride.)

FOR YEARS! I f—g hated being called a survivor. People would pat me on the shoulder and say that term.. I still hate it.. it makes me cringe, It makes me feel …. stupid!

When I was raped in my early teens, i did what most child-girls would do, went and talked to my BF’s.(best friends) The young man, the man who raped me was a BF (Boy Friend) of an older very beautiful GF. I never really gave getting into his car for a ride a second thought. When he asked if it was ok to go check out a grow op on the way.. I was young, did not want to appear  … I just said OK!

He took me to a field, just off the Cat cemetery, stopped the car and while I looked at him ..curious and confused he pulled a knife. He gave me a choice, I could submit to sex or I could drop all my clothes and walk back to the gate. The choice was mine….

My memories of this trauma are sketchy at best, but some things I do recall. The song on the radio (Still affects me), the smell of fresh cut hay, my thinking.. Can I get the car door open/find a rock and smash his head in before he stabs me?

The stand off lasted a few hours as he snorted what I think was coke, He was getting up his courage I was looking for an escape.. It never happened, I wanted to live and I submitted with only one leg out of my pants. I think maybe, this may not be a real memory.. I thought this is going to be the deadest F—k you’ve ever had!

Then it was over, I recall pulling up my jeans and he drove me to town, dropping me at a friends. Truly weird, he as he dropped me off said he would call???? Like we had just been on a date??? That was some fucked up shit!

But my best friend.. her beautiful girlfriend whose boyfriend it was.. When I cried and told them my story….. My best peoples did not believe me.. “You??really why would he want you???”

OK I’m done this is hard

Night my friends

You are not alone

xoxo Silent-girl

 

Continued, The abuse and the abusers

subtle-abuseEvening all, I left off last night retelling a story of sitting in the therapists office, being grilled and then him asking me my bra size!

I was shocked; “Is this a trick question? Is he a perv? This has to be a “therapy test, did I hear him correctly, did he just lower his glasses on his pulpy white face and ask me my bra size?”

I know I felt the air in the room disappear, my heart rate jumped, my mouth got dry, I felt the heat & colour rise from my chest to the burning tips of my ears. I may have been a therapy virgin, but this question threw me (HARD)!

I can’t recall much of the conversation after that, I was slightly out of myself having conversations in my head.  He seemed to want to talk more about my Ex and our sex life, I murmured responses just wanting to get out of there. He must have smelled my flight response as he took another route. He began telling me about my friends and neighbors he was treating. He told me intimate details of couples I know, their sex lives, problems and how he was helping most of the community in which I lived.

I left the office far more distressed than upon entering. On the drive home I fought my own common sense with questions of; “Is this a test? Is he just yanking my chain? Is what he told me ethical or legal? By the time I arrived home I had decided that I just don’t need this kind of help, and I made ready to cancel my next appointment.

I did this the next day, calling early so I would only have to deal with an answering service. In the middle of my busy workday he called. He was irate, screaming at me, he berated me so badly that I gave in and said I would see him again. (Damn, 30 year old me was naive and a wuss!) He then told me in a much softer kinder voice, how he felt I needed to talk to someone, and as he had to be near my work, he would pick me up on my lunch hour, we could chat in his Van the next week.

I was standing at the service counter, people were beginning to get upset, and a harsh look from my boss told me to get off the phone.. I said fine and hung up.

Week Later: I’ve got so much going on, trying to raise my daughter who is mad at me for leaving my husband. My family, my work, bills, an ex whom I think I love, working 1000 feet from my office window (driving me crazy) I’m 30 years old, been pretty well on my own since 15 and for the first time in my life…I’ve lost my fight. I am tired, alone and feel like every thing I am choosing is wrong.

The “Dr.” pulls up at my work and beeps his horn. I tread out with my bag lunch like a zombie and get in his van. I’m spaced, he chats cheerfully as we park by the river and he goes on to explain that my ex is really a great guy! (WTF? My brain screams as he goes on to tell me he called him and they went out for beers and to shoot pool, TWICE since my last meeting him! WTF?? MY BRAIN IS SCREAMING!!! He is telling me about a couple, actually the couple whom I know my ex was screwing the wife. I picture my ex bragging about this petite vixen with the boring but adoring husband.

Don’t recall a lot about that conversation, he seemed stoked (high?), but he is in love with my ex, and the problems in our marriage are all mine. OK at this point I have had enough, I can’t fight with him I just have to get through the lunch and go back to work.

A few days later my ex calls (I melt) he tells me that this guy can help us. A meeting at a restaurant is set for 6 pm, we are all four of us to meet, have dinner and chat. Why did I agree? (Truth? my ex’s voice, damn I missed him, I was burnt out and feeling so alone)

We arrive at the rest on time. But the good Dr. is now running late. My child who was only 7, had not been home and was excited. An hour later, the staff having fed her coke and sweets (not on her diet list as she has blood sugar issues) was bouncing off the walls. She’s tired, hyped and being a normal 7 year old. When the Dr. finally arrives we have a hard time talking as my child is.. she is in need of home and bath and bed. But this guy within 5 minutes decides she has mental issues, pulls out a script pad and writes a prescription for major drugs!

I sat back in the booth and looked at my ex. ( he wasn’t all bad just couldn’t keep it in his pants) He turned and told this guy to go get f–ked. And me, dugh…. I went back with my husband.

Nope that did not turn out well….

Night all

“You need help”

I was born in 1958, therapy was part of our culture. But I never sought out help until I was 30, I was raised to deal with my own shit no matter what, you never share!

I went at 30 years old to meet with my first professional psychiatrist. Trust me, I could have used help for the prior 17 years, but at this age I recognised a problem and wanted professional help and sought it out for the first time in my life.

Married less than a year, I saw that I was choosing the same men in my life, men that were not good for me. I did not want to do that anymore, it was not healthy and I had a child who I loved beyond words. I wanted to understand just WTF I was doing, I wanted help to understand, I was asking for help. This is something I have never done, and it was hard….but I needed to get to the bottom of my psyche.

The Dr. was from a town nearby, did marriage counseling for a few couples I knew. I was scared at this first meeting but his receptionist was older and kind, my lack of city ways melted with her wonderful tea and home baked cookies.

When I was brought into the Dr’s office, I was ..semi relaxed. I knew what I was here for what I wanted answers to, I had a plan a goal.. (I was so wrong!) Shown to a comfortable chair along with my tea and cookie, I saw a duplicate chair off set to my own. I feigned the thought that we will be sitting like two people in an observatory. ( I laughed at myself for such a thought)

It was a stunning room, the building probably late 1800’s,large glass bay windows covered discreetly in blinds but still showing the hint of the garden beyond. Soft music played in the background,..non vocal maybe spanish guitar?? I know I drifted, before I met the Dr.

Pleasantries were spoken and then we got down to the reason I was there. I explained, in detail, how at the end of my short marriage I had come to a realization I was from my father to my last husband choosing the same man over and over … And I did not want to do that anymore. It was a great and shocking realization for me, hence this appointment, I wanted help to understand.

We chatted for a while, he asked questions of me of my personal life that I never thought would even come up in a first visit. Then he looked over at me and asked my Bra size.

I’ll take this up later  …I have to sleep  sorry  Good night my friends

Ask me how I really feel!

“Disgusted but not surprised.” The fact that the Senate Judiciary would back this half-hearted and extremely limited FBI investigation, just proves that Kavanaugh would have been elected under any circumstances.

noun  INVESTIGATION
the action of investigating something or someone; formal or systematic examination or research.
  1. “He is under investigation for attempted assault.”

What we should have seen from one or more Senators,  was an All Pachino type speech from Scent of a Woman..

“Makers of men, creators of leaders, be careful what kind of leaders your producing !!!  ”  I have to agree with Pachino; “if I was younger I’d take a flamethrower to this place!”

Flake you missed your chance for the Presidency, you should have stood and banged your fist on the desk ans screamed at the top of your voice..just how Un-American, Unjust and truly disgusting this so-called investigation was!

Now the President is covering the fact that he limited the investigation by turning the tables and threatening to prosecute these women for their allegations. I wouldn’t wish this type of President on anyone, a man with no use for the law except where he can manipulate it by his office.

 

Time to do a little research and a lot of reading!

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” That was Margaret Mead’s conclusion after a lifetime of observing very diverse cultures around the world. Her insight has been borne out time and again throughout the development of this country of ours. Being allowed to live life in an atmosphere of religious freedom, having a voice in the government you support with your taxes, living free of lifelong enslavement by another person. These beliefs about how life should and must be lived were once considered outlandish by many. But these beliefs were fervently held by visionaries whose steadfast work brought about changed minds and attitudes.

an excerpt from;

 http://www.nwhp.org/resources/womens-rights-movement/history-of-the-womens-rights-movement/

Why America isn’t great anymore

I truly feel this is one of the best pieces ever written,and no it wasn’t by a politician, just a man with a job. His name is;

Aaron Benjamin Sorkin (born June 9, 1961)[1]is an American screenwriter, director, producer, and playwright. His works include the Broadway plays A Few Good Men and The Farnsworth Invention; the television series Sports NightThe West WingStudio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and The Newsroom; and the films A Few Good MenThe American PresidentCharlie Wilson’s WarMoneyball, and Steve Jobs. For writing The Social Network, he won the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay, among other awards. He made his feature directorial debut in 2017 with Molly’s Game, which he also wrote.

Wikipipeia

Today, Saturday October 6th, 2018 we watch another example revealed of why America is not the greatest nation on the planet. The Kavanaugh vote is yet another showing of how deeply the country is divided and delusional. That 50% of this country approves of a president who attacks women,victims of crimes, who abuses his power by limiting the focus of investigations for political gain…those are really scary numbers.

I’m not saying the other party is much better, because in my view they are not.

But I do think that if our elected officials don’t start listening..

The words of Abraham Lincoln to honour the soldiers that sacrificed their lives in order “that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth”

People it is perishing at an incredible rate.

SPEAK UP! NO MORE SILENCE!

Thank-you, I appreciate those who took the time to write. (At least now I know this site is active!)

I will always hold your confidence and never “leak”; (I’m old but not that old, no depends needed as yet..LOL)

October 3rd 2018

So much has happened over the past few years. My life has changed dramatically but so has the world. I find myself discussing the media and the peoples of the US more and more. Is Trump getting in my head,does he have a point, did he shift the way our news is directed or does corporate money direct what we see and hear and shape our views?

Are we trying so hard to just survive another day that we just can’t, won’t listen to what is happening in our world. Did anyone catch the PBS viewing of Dark Money?

As I watched this documentary, (Which by the way…everyone with half a brain should watch and take note!) I was thinking again of news cycles of the past year, the kids fighting for gun control, their want and wish to feel safe in school, the #METOO movement, the White House siding with Russia over their own intelligence agencies, the Vegas shootings, twitter! and a world gone crazy as the president of the US systematically unfriends it’s allies  ………………..

I don’t blame the 18>40 year olds for not taking an active part in politics. At the same age I was also so busy trying to achieve, survive, live; that I had no room left in my brain to take on domestic or world issues. Hindsight they say is 20-20; “I should have been as involved in politics as I was in my child’s education.”

Education is what it’s about. We are truly not taught in our school systems in such a way as to impress the importance of government and your voice and your ears! Why did it take me until 60 to recognise that a government unchecked  is not a democracy anymore. We take for granted that people we elect are working hard for..for us, it’s their job! DUGHHHH, dang when did we become so.. damn dense?

Nothing’s going to hurt you baby

Nothing’s going to hurt you baby

A fairy tale we tell our daughters and pray that they never endure the pains of their gender, the horrific tales whispered about family members, aunts, cousins, siblings, best friends……….their Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother……………

I’ve taken a step back for a few days as I analyse not only my own feelings but those of America, the World.. Watching the Senate hearings, watching the talking heads in media, listening to the voices of many women like myself…silently and not so silently screaming.

I began this blog thinking I would describe the “events” around my own youthful rape by an older male, and why I said nothing. But I have come to realise that it really does not matter; the how, when and why. As my wise Mother has always said, people believe what they want, and there is nothing you can say or prove that will change their . minds.

I have always had issue with that, and it has formed me as a person. In life, work, social settings; if I did not have provable  facts to back up a statement, I usually did not comment.  But  I would gladly challenge those who yap off the top of their heads with no basis of their own rants, to show me proof. (Did not make me a popular gal)

Question.. Is this a double standard on my part?

My partner asked me, “To what degree do you believe Dr Ford’s testimony and why?”

My response was simple to give. “100%, because she relayed an event that happened to her. AUGHH ….says I silently to myself, my  recollections of my rape are similar, I recall the song on the radio, the smell of his aftershave, my fight response, how I got there..to be in his car with a knife at my throat , the fly that buzzed around the blood that trickled down my throat where he nicked me. I do not recall the rape/sex whatever you want to term it as. I do not remember where he dropped me off after, or what I did who I spoke with or didn’t…………”

“YES, that is why I believe Dr. Ford.” My partner then asked me how it would make me feel if he stated he was only 97% sure he (Kavanaugh) was guilty.

I replied, you are a man who has never experienced something like this, I would be suspect if you said 100%.

 

See no evil…………..

My partner and I have been discussing this of late. The culture of not believing the victim and/or making excuses for the accused. I find it so unfathomable, as I can honestly say Printthat I know very few women who at some point in their life have not been brutalized in some way or another.

I’m not even talking about a pat on the ass from former Presidents (both) Bush’s, or a desperate grope from a “virgin” drunk teenage boy. No, I am speaking of crimes against a human being, that if perpetrated against the aforementioned, would have been dealt with in a whole different  context. 

As a young girl, I learned quickly that life is not fair, and you must be tough to survive.

My own story, now that I am talking about it..probably did not happen at 15, more like 13. Funny how you can recall such vivid memories yet block others out.

I was a girl in  the early 70’s. The times were…great and horrible, exciting and scary.

I had already lived through the fears instilled in my childhood of Russian bombs and nuclear classroom drills of what to do………. I recall walking to school and  seeing the papers amassed on each street corner, bundles of off white print that each day on the front page listed the boys names who had died the day before in the Vietnam War. I was at home watching the TV when JFK was shot, remember running to tell my Mother, not understanding her tears…

I digress ……Think I’ll give my Mum a shout

Till later

xoxo

The Journey Begins (9/22/2018) - Thanks for joining me! Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton  
This is an open blog, a place to open up an unload, either Loudly, or as silently as you wish…….All emails and comments will only be posted if you express the want to share. (9/23/2018) - This comment made by the President of the United States bothered me on so many levels, I have decided to open this blog to the public. I was a Silent -Girl, although I have met just as many a Silent-Boy. Victims of rape, assault, abuse and then made victims again when trying to be heard. … Continue reading This is an open blog, a place to open up an unload, either Loudly, or as silently as you wish…….All emails and comments will only be posted if you express the want to share.
Where to start? (9/26/2018) - At 60, I’m not sure if this blog is better served by telling my life stories from front to back or in reverse. I suppose  it truly makes no difference, all is relevant yet all is…just a grain of sand. Today as I watch the media yet again take sides on assault cases, it brings … Continue reading Where to start?
See no evil………….. (9/26/2018) - My partner and I have been discussing this of late. The culture of not believing the victim and/or making excuses for the accused. I find it so unfathomable, as I can honestly say that I know very few women who at some point in their life have not been brutalized in some way or another. … Continue reading See no evil…………..
Nothing’s going to hurt you baby (9/26/2018) - Nothing’s going to hurt you baby A fairy tale we tell our daughters and pray that they never endure the pains of their gender, the horrific tales whispered about family members, aunts, cousins, siblings, best friends……….their Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother…………… I’ve taken a step back for a few days as I analyse not only my own … Continue reading Nothing’s going to hurt you baby
Thank-you, I appreciate those who took the time to write. (At least now I know this site is active!) (10/3/2018) - I will always hold your confidence and never “leak”; (I’m old but not that old, no depends needed as yet..LOL) October 3rd 2018 So much has happened over the past few years. My life has changed dramatically but so has the world. I find myself discussing the media and the peoples of the US more … Continue reading Thank-you, I appreciate those who took the time to write. (At least now I know this site is active!)
Why America isn’t great anymore (10/5/2018) - I truly feel this is one of the best pieces ever written,and no it wasn’t by a politician, just a man with a job. His name is; Aaron Benjamin Sorkin (born June 9, 1961)[1]is an American screenwriter, director, producer, and playwright. His works include the Broadway plays A Few Good Men and The Farnsworth Invention; the television series Sports Night, The … Continue reading Why America isn’t great anymore
Time to do a little research and a lot of reading! (10/8/2018) - “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” That was Margaret Mead’s conclusion after a lifetime of observing very diverse cultures around the world. Her insight has been borne out time and again throughout the development of this country of ours. … Continue reading Time to do a little research and a lot of reading!
Ask me how I really feel! (10/9/2018) - “Disgusted but not surprised.” The fact that the Senate Judiciary would back this half-hearted and extremely limited FBI investigation, just proves that Kavanaugh would have been elected under any circumstances. noun  INVESTIGATION the action of investigating something or someone; formal or systematic examination or research. “He is under investigation for attempted assault.” What we should have seen from one … Continue reading Ask me how I really feel!
“You need help” (10/10/2018) - I was born in 1958, therapy was part of our culture. But I never sought out help until I was 30, I was raised to deal with my own shit no matter what, you never share! I went at 30 years old to meet with my first professional psychiatrist. Trust me, I could have used … Continue reading “You need help”

Where to start?

At 60, I’m not sure if this blog is better served by telling my life stories from front to back or in reverse. I suppose  it truly makes no difference, all is relevant yet all is…just a grain of sand.

Today as I watch the media yet again take sides on assault cases, it brings me back to the early 70’s. I have looked to find an archived article that shaped how I did not deal with my own rape. I recall how a girl who was brutally raped, was torn to shreds in court,on the front page of the papers…It was so brutal, I remember before my own experience happened thinking that if this had happened to me that I would never go through the demeaning harsh criticism this poor girl was facing in the media and daily in courts. Her entire life, past boyfriends, how she dressed, her private school records, medical records were made public. It did not matter that she was beaten, raped , sodomized. (I was so young I had to look the word up!)

My point being, when I was raped and wanted so badly to tell my story..the words of my Mother rang in my head. “Your Father is working so hard to build us a life, his business, our family name is the most important thing..Do nothing to harm your family name!”

As an adult in later life, even though I may have passed in the media as a true victim, it still would have scarred the Family Name. How fucked is that?   Really, a girl or boy has to weigh just how many times they want to get fucked by an assailant then again by media, peers, neighbors, employers, family and a court system….

Watching the Dr. Ford vs Judge Kavanaugh media.. is head spinning, I read a  book by a young women, who 35 years later than Ford  describes the same world that Ford experienced in rich private schools (In a new book, Chessy Prout says culture at St. Paul’s School allowed sexual assault..)  

Every one is talking about  the political ramifications and social silence of the long standing tradition of covering up, incest, rape. So who is listening to the individual horror stories, the ones that change you forever?

No one

Well maybe we should just talk and share, I think as survivors.. we should listen. I think as survivors we should talk and talk and scream and be heard… We are not only the survivors but we are part of the problem.. WE never screamed loud enough! Maybe if start to really yell, people will hear and take up the cry.

I HAVE A VOICE