“You need help”

I was born in 1958, therapy was part of our culture. But I never sought out help until I was 30, I was raised to deal with my own shit no matter what, you never share!

I went at 30 years old to meet with my first professional psychiatrist. Trust me, I could have used help for the prior 17 years, but at this age I recognised a problem and wanted professional help and sought it out for the first time in my life.

Married less than a year, I saw that I was choosing the same men in my life, men that were not good for me. I did not want to do that anymore, it was not healthy and I had a child who I loved beyond words. I wanted to understand just WTF I was doing, I wanted help to understand, I was asking for help. This is something I have never done, and it was hard….but I needed to get to the bottom of my psyche.

The Dr. was from a town nearby, did marriage counseling for a few couples I knew. I was scared at this first meeting but his receptionist was older and kind, my lack of city ways melted with her wonderful tea and home baked cookies.

When I was brought into the Dr’s office, I was ..semi relaxed. I knew what I was here for what I wanted answers to, I had a plan a goal.. (I was so wrong!) Shown to a comfortable chair along with my tea and cookie, I saw a duplicate chair off set to my own. I feigned the thought that we will be sitting like two people in an observatory. ( I laughed at myself for such a thought)

It was a stunning room, the building probably late 1800’s,large glass bay windows covered discreetly in blinds but still showing the hint of the garden beyond. Soft music played in the background,..non vocal maybe spanish guitar?? I know I drifted, before I met the Dr.

Pleasantries were spoken and then we got down to the reason I was there. I explained, in detail, how at the end of my short marriage I had come to a realization I was from my father to my last husband choosing the same man over and over … And I did not want to do that anymore. It was a great and shocking realization for me, hence this appointment, I wanted help to understand.

We chatted for a while, he asked questions of me of my personal life that I never thought would even come up in a first visit. Then he looked over at me and asked my Bra size.

I’ll take this up later  …I have to sleep  sorry  Good night my friends