Where to start?

At 60, I’m not sure if this blog is better served by telling my life stories from front to back or in reverse. I suppose  it truly makes no difference, all is relevant yet all is…just a grain of sand.

Today as I watch the media yet again take sides on assault cases, it brings me back to the early 70’s. I have looked to find an archived article that shaped how I did not deal with my own rape. I recall how a girl who was brutally raped, was torn to shreds in court,on the front page of the papers…It was so brutal, I remember before my own experience happened thinking that if this had happened to me that I would never go through the demeaning harsh criticism this poor girl was facing in the media and daily in courts. Her entire life, past boyfriends, how she dressed, her private school records, medical records were made public. It did not matter that she was beaten, raped , sodomized. (I was so young I had to look the word up!)

My point being, when I was raped and wanted so badly to tell my story..the words of my Mother rang in my head. “Your Father is working so hard to build us a life, his business, our family name is the most important thing..Do nothing to harm your family name!”

As an adult in later life, even though I may have passed in the media as a true victim, it still would have scarred the Family Name. How fucked is that?   Really, a girl or boy has to weigh just how many times they want to get fucked by an assailant then again by media, peers, neighbors, employers, family and a court system….

Watching the Dr. Ford vs Judge Kavanaugh media.. is head spinning, I read a  book by a young women, who 35 years later than Ford  describes the same world that Ford experienced in rich private schools (In a new book, Chessy Prout says culture at St. Paul’s School allowed sexual assault..)  

Every one is talking about  the political ramifications and social silence of the long standing tradition of covering up, incest, rape. So who is listening to the individual horror stories, the ones that change you forever?

No one

Well maybe we should just talk and share, I think as survivors.. we should listen. I think as survivors we should talk and talk and scream and be heard… We are not only the survivors but we are part of the problem.. WE never screamed loud enough! Maybe if start to really yell, people will hear and take up the cry.


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